There are spoilers in this review. Duh.

Everything has already been said about this movie, but it’s my time to say the things. I made it no secret that I disliked this movie intensely for so many reasons. It wasn’t even hype for me; I had no hype. I knew from the second I saw the trailer that I probably wouldn’t like this movie, but trailers can lie. They didn’t lie. This is as much of a depressing boring full of nonsense movie as it seemed. I’m going to attempt to be fair-ish to this, and possibly bring up things I liked, but yeah. Strap in. Imma give you some thoughts. First off: I am a big DC fan. I liked DC more than Marvel for many years, and I love the Gotham Knights in particular. I am a crazy Wonder Woman fan so she was my favorite part of this film. Unfortunately her screen time was short. Still, I’ve wanted DC to do good movies for awhile. I liked Nolan’s Batman movies. I liked Burton’s Batman movies. I even liked the old Superman flicks that weren’t so terrible. But Man of Steel made me go “nooooope” and now I’m wondering how the hell the DC TV shows are so much better and more accurate to the comics than this ridiculousness. A question for another article and less of a review. Also be prepared because I get really angry and annoyed while writing this lol.

This takes place after Man of Steel. Mopey Clark Kent isn’t getting any pleasure out of saving people, for some reason. Like literally he scowls while he’s saving lives. What the hell. He saves Lois but Jimmy dies (WHAT?) and everyone blames Superman for … apparently being framed for shooting innocent people. Which the terrorists did. SUPERMAN DOESN’T USE BULLETS YOU IDIOTS. I’m already getting annoyed. Batman’s furious because he was there when Superman helped Zod destroy the city. And yes, I say helped, because we all know how ridiculous and highly criticized the movie was for that. They take great pains in this movie to diminish innocent people deaths, like in the last fight when they’re like “IT’S EMPTY HERE.” So Bruce Wayne is an older Batman and he’s convinced that Superman is evil, or rather that he could be evil because of how powerful he is, so he needs to be stopped. First thing I liked in this: the part where Bruce is running around Metropolis trying to help people is pretty damn great. From the POV he was in seeing the city destroyed, that was entertaining. Ben Affleck legitimately does a good job in this. I know people were skeptical, but he’s come a long way as an actor since Daredevil. Clark meanwhile is getting obsessed with Batman because he is straight up murdering bad guys and branding them so they … get murdered in prison? Why would that happen? Wouldn’t people in prison be like “man, the Bat sucks, right? We should band together and murder him when we get out.” So that’s why they hate each other I guess.


The only thing that matters is her.

There’s also Lex Luthor in this and he’s just about as bad as you can imagine and have heard. Jesse Eisenberg is himself plus if he was playing the Joker. Kind of. I have no idea what the direction was on that performance. Alexander Luthor people are saying he actually was playing, who is a different DC character, but that’s not how they frame it in the movie so. Whatever. He has this insane plan that requires so many things to happen to work. He’s setting Batman and Superman up to fight. He knows their secret identities apparently and has files on all the other superhumans. He gets to go into the alien ship with Zod’s body (?????) and makes Doomsday but not before he wants the two of them to fight. I don’t really know why outside of ‘that’s the title of this film.’ He also kills a senator and a bunch of people to … I think frame Superman? Also Clark how the hell did you not notice that? You have super everything. How is this a framing job anyway? PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW SUPERMAN’S ABILITIES BY NOW. Deep breaths. So Lex kidnaps Martha Kent and Clark has to fight Bruce. Instead of going “Hey Bruce Lex is behind this he kidnapped my mother” he menacingly walks toward him just going LISTEN. Then there’s the fight. It’s not actually that entertaining. I feel like it should be, and I’ll get into why Civil War worked and this one didn’t when I review that one.

It all changes when Bruce finds out that Clark’s mother’s name is Martha. So was his mother. And that apparently is all it fucking takes (YES I AM SWEARING IT IS THAT LEVEL OF WHAT) for them to become friends. What. What. WHAT. Even people who liked this movie go yeah that was stupid. Listen I’ll mention right now what Civil War does well. For one, no one really “wins.” Both sides have good points. They address directly why they feel differently and how they really can’t agree. Bruce and Clark have some fundamental differences and reasons to dislike each other, but instead of actually focusing on that, they just have them fight and then become best friends. Bruce even says “I failed him” at some point and I’m like bitch you didn’t even know him. WTF. Anyway Clark dies fighting Doomsday by using a Kryptonite spear, even though Diana and Bruce are literally right there and could to it for him. As you’ll see below Diana is a badass and could have easily done it herself. Also Diana Prince is in this movie and she is the best and I can’t wait for her movie. She flirts with Bruce and he sends her info on the other superheroes they’re going to recruit for Justice League. In the end of the movie it looks like they’re working together, and frankly, I am SOMEWHAT intrigued by that concept.


My queen.

You can’t care about Clark’s death for one minute because the movie already implies at the end that he’s coming back. FFS Snyder. This whole entire movie is a mess. I didn’t even get into the pointlessness of Bruce having crazy dreams and maybe the ability to see the future? Flash shows up to scream at him from the future. Oh and how about when Lois gets saved so many times that you wonder how to take her seriously as a character. And throws the spear in the water only to somehow magically know they need it to kill Doomsday. How did she know that? At no time did they go “oh well this is clearly made from Zod so we need to use the spear.” I can’t get into the many, many things that make zero sense in this film. Like it needs a very long list. Snyder is a mess of a director, he needs properties taken away from him stat. Visually he’s still fine, but he can’t be trusted in these films. What an idiot. Also why do you keep making Henry Cavill so boring and flat? I’ve seen him in other movies, he is a charming individual! Why does everyone have to be so miserable in your movies? You need therapy.

So are there any good things? Let me think. As I just mentioned, the visual style is okay. There’s obviously zero color or life in it because this is Snyder. But I did enjoy a lot of the shots. The music wasn’t bad, I got into it, especially when Wonder Woman showed up. Gal Gadot stole the movie in her scenes and got us all excited about her upcoming film. The trailer looks great too. Ahhhh! I guess I’m mildly curious about the other superheroes, although we didn’t see much about them here. While I was very against all the RAMPANT MURDER Batman did in this (don’t yell at me that he murders elsewhere, I don’t care, it was over the top and ridiculous in this), the scenes where he was fighting people to get to Martha, that was really well shot and done. Ben Affleck was genuinely pretty solid. I could get behind his Batman. Jeremy Irons as Alfred was good. I wish they didn’t immediately tell us Clark was coming back because honestly who cares. Who. Cares. No one even likes his character in these movies. Also why would you kill him when none of us emotionally care and he doesn’t have friends who ultimately really care? Are they grieving him? THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM. Screams into the abyss. Death of Superman worked in the comics because the Justice League was holding his coffin and he’d been around for a long time.

So this movie was nonsensical. It had giant plotholes. It was somehow boring, which is hard to do in a superhero film, and drab and miserable. There are very few redeeming things in this film. The lines were terrible, the ridiculousness of “Martha” and Lex Luthor in general make me want to scream, also how did he even know how to make Doomsday? Was this all part of his plan? IS HE OMNISCIENT? I hate him. I hate this movie. I’m mad all over again. They had all the opportunity in the world to do better and didn’t. Take this property from Snyder immediately. I will look forward to the Batman movie and Wonder Woman, but I am eyeing Justice League with heavy suspicion. So I hope you enjoyed my hate-filled review. Somehow I’m even angrier at it than I remember.

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