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There are spoilers in this review. Duh.

So hopefully there’s not enough people following me that the next few days of me churning out old recaps will be too bothersome. I was in an intensive class that made me sign in with a different wordpress for the past four weeks, so. I’m catching up. First of all, with my beloved Game of Thrones. I was deeply skeptical of this season since most of the storylines are now past the books, and I’ll admit the opening did not really help my concern. First episodes of the seasons are never the best part, however, so I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Previously on Game of Thrones, way too much. But Dany flew out of Meereen with her dragon and was found by Dothraki, leaving her followers (including Tyrion and Varys) alone in the torn apart city. Arya lost her eyesight after killing someone for her own personal revenge and not being “no one.” Jon Snow was stabbed dead but we all know he’s coming back. The Sand Snakes killed Princess Myrcella with poison because they are terrible and you should all read the books immediately. Because Dorne/the Sand Snakes are amazing in the books. Sansa and Theon escaped Ramsay by jumping off a tower into the snow. Cersei did a walk of shame naked and she’s furious at the High Sparrow, who now still has Margaery and Loras prisoner. Cue the music.

They start by trying to tell us that Jon Snow is dead. Yes he’s dead. He won’t stay that way. Everyone knows this. Davos finds his body and Thorne admits that they all stabbed him to death. The Brothers who are loyal to Jon hide away with Davos with his body while they try to think of what next to do. Melisandre is shaken by Stannis’ death and her failure. We see that she’s an old woman and that her necklace makes her seem young. This is supposed to be shocking. I think. Meanwhile Ramsay is sad his girlfriend is dead and his father is furious he let Sansa and Theon get away. They’re on the run and are being hunted down. Just as they’re about to be captured, Brienne comes out of no where like the badass warrior goddess hero savior she is (I really love Brienne), and annihilates the search party. She gives her service to Sansa again, and Sansa accepts it. YAAAAAAY. Something good actually happened to Sansa! (For now.) Cersei is horrified to hear her daughter has been murdered, but instead of fury, she’s just fallen into grief. She thinks the prophecy¬†she was given as a young woman means all her children are fated to die. She shows a remarkable amount of awareness about her own evilness here and how her daughter was good. The twins are raring up for some vengeance some time soon, probably.

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I’m infuriated by what they’ve done to Dorne. It’s my favorite part of the book series so my fury knows no bounds. The Sand Snakes kill Doran and his heir and take over Dorne. First of all, no. Second of all, how dare you. Third of all, NO HOW DARE YOU. I could write an entire thing about why this is wrong, but like right up front, Oberyn went to King’s Landing to avenge his family. You just went and killed all of his family. THAT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. I hate you if only for this GoT writers. I don’t want to talk about it ever again. FURY. So. Tyrion and Varys are trying to decide what to do in Mereen. All the ships have been burned. They’re in some serious trouble. Dany’s been taken by the Dothraki and they say some typically creepy things about raping her, until she says she’s Khal Drogo’s widow. Apparently widows of Khals have to be trapped in a house somewhere, so that’s where she’s headed. Daario and Jorah are on their way to get her. Arya’s not only blind but she’s begging and really down and the Waif shows up every day to beat her senseless. Yeowch. No one’s having a very good week, are they?

So this wasn’t a terrible opening? I appreciate they jumped right back in with the stories that they left on cliffhangers and gave them a little bit of everything. I just felt like it wasn’t particularly strong, but first episodes are generally filler episodes to move plot along. It did what it needed to do. I still think the reveal about Melisandre is kind of ridiculous? Like that’s the wham bam shocking moment you want to end the opening on? Oh noooo she’s ooooold and uglyyyyyy. It just seemed like a weird moment to me. Plus I was in a rage about Dorne, so I ended this episode grumpy. But I am intrigued by where they’re headed with everyone, so whatever. I can dig it. Bring on the next ep please.

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