Previously on The Vampire Diaries, I thought this show might make me into an alcoholic. Just kidding. But seriously I want some wine whenever I think about it. This is self-inflicted torture, mind you, since I voluntarily watch this. So. Elena’s sired to Damon. It’s gross. The show continues to think this either isn’t gross or it is gross but who cares because they do tons of gross stuff anyway, I’m not sure. He made her go away, and she had to do it, because she’ll do whatever her sire says. Stefan found out they slept together. Frown face. Rebekah was staked by Klaus for the millionth time and April just unstaked her. Shane the professor guy pretended to help Bonnie with her magic but he’s making her do black magic instead. And she doesn’t know it. There’s a cure for vampirism. Klaus killed all his hybrids and Carol Lockwood.

Carol’s dead. Everyone’s sad. This town is becoming a ghost town. How is everyone not moving the hell out of there by now? Seriously it’s like a mass grave at this point. Tyler’s understandably horrified and storms off. They’re having a memorial for her at the school, and Rebekah shows up. April let her out and she told her about the vampires. April’s all grrr argh you compelled me and is the only person in about forever to call everyone out on how messed up compelling/mind rape is. For her own good or not. Everyone goes ‘eh whatever, you’re new to this show.’ Rebekah wants to find the cure but she also wants to talk about Elena and Stefan’s break up. Because the love triangle is ALL THIS SHOW WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. If you hear a thumping, that’s my head hitting the desk. Her brother Kol’s in town. He gets Shane and brings them there. Shane reveals about Silas the … hunter or whatever he is. Kol actually seems to know the myth and stabs him. So you’d be like aw, goodbye Shane, but he doesn’t die.

Why? Because Bonnie is there and she tries a protection spell using his magic. But since it’s dark magic, when he should be stabbed and bleeding, it transfers to April and she almost dies. Neon sign of bad warning, Bonnie. Meanwhile Rebekah is still playing mean girl and forces Elena to be honest under compulsion. Or “honest” depending on what the writers feel like. She’s in love with Damon. She’s not in love with Stefan anymore. Stefan makes her feel broken, Damon makes her feel free. I just grabbed a bottle opener, excuse me. Everyone looks really awkward and uncomfortable. It’s good acting, but it’s ridiculous. I’m so tired of Rebekah acting like a child at two thousand years old. All the Originals are children. No one acts like an adult on this show. I can forgive the teenagers but the vampires always drive me crazy because they’re over a century old. Something’s wrong with you vamps. Arrested Development, and not the cool TV show way.

Anyway so she makes Tyler turn and go killing the vamps. No one gets hurt. Stefan and Elena angst some more, Rebekah offers to wipe Stefan’s mind of Elena entirely, and he asks for it. Elena looks hurt. Oh whatever you slept with his brother literally the day after you two broke up. I would want to erase that too, personally. Rebekah says no. She leaves because Shane’s dead, or so she thinks, they save April, and Caroline finds Tyler crying at his mother’s memorial. Aw. 😦 Poor guy. Rebekah and Stefan meet up later, he says he wants to find the cure first. She wants to use the cure on Klaus so he has to be mortal – awesome – and he wants to turn Elena human anyway just to be sure. Jesus let it go buddy.

On the other storyline, Jeremy’s still vampire training. Damon’s moping over Elena. Klaus comes up and is like wtf why hasn’t Jeremy killed any vampires. He decides to force the process by turning a pizza girl, and Jeremy kills her. He tells Damon he has to stop being so nicey nice, because it’s not getting them the map any sooner. Damon is burying the girl when Elena calls, and she says she loves him and wants him. He says to come to him, KEEP IN MIND that is an order and even if she wanted to say no she would’ve done it anyway and you see where sire bonds are a problem. Then he lets Klaus kill an entire bar full of people, turn them, and sets them loose on Jeremy. Holy. Shit. There’s interpretations of this. Maybe Damon is doing this purposely to push Elena away. If she’s coming there, that means she’ll have to see what he’s doing to her brother and know he chose that. Maybe she will somehow not think this is fucked up as all hell. I’m really, really, really hoping she does think this is fucked up as all hell. Because. What. The. Hell. I know somehow this’ll be spun in he’s the hero anyway, somehow. I might have to upgrade from wine to tequila soon.

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