So here’s the deal: I didn’t finish True Blood Season 4. I watched about halfway through the season before throwing my hands up. I always disliked that book a great deal, and the show wasn’t working for me. I did get a summary of what was happening so if I decided to come back for five I’d be up to date. And so I am. Previously on True Blood, Sookie came back from fairy land a year later, Bill was King, Eric lost his memories because of a possessed witch, he and Sookie slept together a lot, the witches were the bad guys, Jason and Jessica got together so poor Hoyt, Bill and Eric killed Nan Flanagan, Debbie was with Alcide but then went crazy again and tried to kill Sookie. Sookie was like both you vampires suck and Alcide you suck too and all men suck blah. And then Debbie tried to kill her, Tara got shot in the head, and Sookie straight up murdered Debbie.  Mostly: crazy shit happened. This is True Blood. What else do you expect? So season five, let’s do it.

Yeah guys, that summary was BS, but look on Wikipedia if you want an episode by episode summary. Season 4 didn’t work for me while I was watching, but I really liked seasons 1-3 so I’m willing to give the show another shot. I won’t give up on this wonderfully trashy soap operatic supernatural story yet. For those of you who don’t know, True Blood is about Sookie Stackhouse, an ordinary pretty young woman in Louisiana who could read minds and blow sparks of energy at people and did I mention she’s a fairy? LOL the ordinary part was just a joke. They always have to be special snowflakes. She’s loud mouthed and funny and has a tendency to get into a lot of trouble pretty much 24/7. Her fairy blood means supernatural men are all over her, which explains why they jump all over each other to try and save her. The world knows that vampires exist now because they came out of the closet when a synthetic blood was introduced. Some of them still drink from humans, but a lot want to ‘mainstream’ and live in normal society. Sookie was in love with Bill and almost married him, but he was sent there to find out about her special fairy blood. It lets vampires temporarily live in the sunlight. They use vampirism as a metaphor for homosexuality sometimes, or minorities in general, except vampires are extremely old, dangerous, and violent. And eat people. Just watch the show. It’s on HBO. That means a lot of blood, violence, swearing, and sex. Tooooons of sex. It’s based on the best selling series by Charlaine Harris, and to be honest, the books aren’t nearly as bad as you’d imagine. I enjoyed them! The show was designed by Alan Ball, he of Six Feet Under and American Beauty fame. All right let’s get started!

Sookie, Tara, Lafayette – Sookie’s sobbing over Tara, who has a chunk of her head missing, and Lafayette freaks out when he comes in. Remember he just murdered his boyfriend Jesus while under a spell, so this has been a hard few hours for him. The time line with this show is ridiculous, since seasons usually only happen in the space of a few months. They cry over Tara until Pam shows up looking for Eric. Her face is back to normal since Marnie is dead. Sookie agrees to speak to Eric on her behalf if she’ll turn Tara. Pam sighs and does so, warning them that Tara might not be the same afterward. During the day Sookie and Lafayette clean up Debbie’s body, and Sookie admits she could’ve let Debbie live but she wanted her dead. Lafayette finds that Jesus’ body is gone and grieves as much as he can. Sookie almost tells Alcide the truth about Debbie when he stops by, but Lafayette tells the lovable wolf to beat it. He’s all 😦 about it. It doesn’t seem like Tara’s coming back after Pam awakens, but she wakes up and immediately attacks Sookie. Mmm fairy blood.

Eric, Bill, Nora – Eric and Bill try to hide Nan’s remains but they are quickly taken by the authority. While held in a car, they blow it up and try to escape. One of the women who was taking them turns out to be another of Godric’s spawn, Nora. You can also call her Vampire Mary Sue if you’d like. Long lost Godric spawn my ass, so long lost that the Authority has no idea who made her, yet she is a high position with them? Absolute bullshit, show. Anyway that means she is Eric’s “sister” and they have sex and stuff too. She was going to rescue them anyway. They plan to get the hell out of dodge, and find out that Russell Edgington is alive after all. Well yeah, you guys buried him, you didn’t kill him remember? They get caught anyway so now Nora’s screwed too. That’s okay. I already sort of dislike her, ngl. It just smacks of isn’t she cool, isn’t she sexy and smart, don’t you love her because Eric totally does. I’m still waiting on the character development there though, she could be really interesting given the chance.

Sam and Alcide – Alcide killed psycho alpha male wolf Marcus to protect Sam, but Sam decides to take the blame when his pack come looking. Luna’s like wtf Sam, Alcide can just admit to it and probably be the new packmaster, but I don’t know, Sam’s weird. He insists he killed Marcus and lets them take him away. He meets Marcus’ mother who is a strange lady, although somewhat interesting too, and he tells her where the body is buried. In the end Alcide does come to his rescue and admits he did it, which means the pack should now bow to him. Marcus’ parents start eating his body. Apparently it’s a wolf thing, to show respect for the dead. As mentioned before, Alcide also checks in on Sookie to tell her about Russell, and he calls Eric to do the same thing. Alcide continues to be awesome.

Jason, Jessica, and Hoyt – Jason’s surprised that Reverend Newlin is vamped out and on his porch. Newlin manages to get his way inside and he ties up Jason. He compels him to go along with it and puts duct tape over his mouth. He confesses that he’s always been gay – which we knew – and he’s in love with Jason. Jason is very sweet about it and thanks him, but says he’s obviously straight and not interested. Newlin doesn’t like taking no for an answer, but Jessica comes in and tosses him out. I thought it was a little too bad that Newlin immediately went near-rapist on Jason, because it was a somewhat sweet moment until then. Jessica then has sex with Jason. He thinks they might be ready to have a relationship, but she’s invited people over to her house and she wants to be a normal hot vampire teenager. She wants to sleep around and do things she didn’t get to do before. Jason’s all sadface about it. Hoyt still won’t speak with him either because he did “steal” his vampire girlfriend and everything.

Everyone Else – Terry’s old buddy Scott Foley has shown up. There’s some PTSD stuff going on and he says they’re being haunted. The fire is connected somehow. Terry’s acting extra crazy because of it. Andy sleeps with Holly and her sons find them there. He’s awkward about it.

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